Letting Go of Grudges & Bitterness

During my seminars, grudges and bitterness are issues that have come up as challenges more than any of the other issues people struggle with. While it is one of the biggest challenges it is also one of the most important issues to deal with.  Grudges and bitterness are very destructive to our relationships, families, marriages, and our entire lives. We need to let go of this spiritually lethal disease and make sure that it does not take root in our lives!

We all get into situations where we feel mistreated, disrespected, judged, condemned and hurt.  Sometimes it is outright abuse and evil behavior on the part of another person.  Abuses come from strangers and criminals, but also from parents, teachers, aunts and uncles, pastors, siblings, grandparents, the list goes on. 

It is a sad reality we all must deal with: There has been a lot of hurt, pain and suffering that people have inflicted on others ever since Cain and Abel. 

So many times, as was the case with Cain, or with Joseph and his brothers, somebody feels that their sibling receives more favor than they.  They allow that to hurt their feelings so much that they become resentful towards the person who receives more favor.  They become angry towards somebody whose only “fault” was that their behavior was more pleasing to the parent, the teacher or whoever it was that showed them more favor.  The anger becomes so strong that they even want to kill their sibling as was the case with Cain, who killed his brother Abel and some of Joseph’s brothers who wanted to kill Joseph.

Really tough situations are those where real injury or even death was inflicted on ourselves or somebody close to us.  It is completely understandable that we get angry and resentful towards the perpetrator.

And then there are situations where people become resentful towards God, when things happen that the insurance industry calls “acts of God” such as natural disasters for example.  Our very faith, how we view God and how we respond to him become affected.

So, how are we to deal with those situations that have made us angry, resentful and even bitter?

There are basically two ways in which people deal with adversity and injustice.  Some people deal with it unsuccessfully and some people deal with it successfully.  And how we deal with adversity does not depend on the severity of the “injury” or hurt.  There are people who hold a grudge for a lifetime towards a person that has not even done anything to hurt them, it was just a perceived offense.  Then there are those who even though they have suffered tremendously at the hands of others were able to forgive.

1.    Dealing with adversity unsuccessfully:

The key to holding on to grudges and bitterness always lies in the past. Even though this is a natural response, it is an understandable response, it is an irrational response, it does not serve us well.  Why is it irrational?  It is irrational because it primarily hurts the victim.  It eats you up, it causes psychosomatic illnesses and even death.

As I heard somebody say:  Not forgiving is like taking a poison pill, hoping it will kill the other person.

Sometimes people deal with adversity unsuccessfully due to their notion that somehow, maybe just at a subconscious level, holding on to a grudge is punishing the other person, somehow justice is served when we hold on to a grudge. It is not true, and it is not rational.

We forget that no matter what we do, we can never ever change what has happened in the past.  Hanging on keeps us from moving forward.  So how do we move forward? How can we let go, when that is so hard?

2.    Dealing with adversity successfully.

To deal with any situation it helps us to think clearly and rationally.  I am not claiming that this is easy.  But many people who experienced unspeakable adversity and injustice have dealt with it successfully.  It is possible.

The key to letting go of grudges and bitterness is to learn how to forgive. But how are we supposed to forgive?  What does it mean to forgive?

The English word to forgive is very broad and all encompassing, which at the same time can make it a bit vague; at least for me.

The dictionary defines to forgive as to pardon, to grant relief, to stop feeling resentment against someone. 

What has helped me to deal with this subject is to have a look at what the Bible has to say about the topic.

Doing some research I have found that the Hebrew language in which the Old Testament was originally written has three different words that are all translated into the English word “to forgive”. The meaning of those words shed some light on what is required of us when Jesus Christ said [Mat 6:14-15 NKJV] 14 "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 "But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

The first Hebrew word for to forgive is "salah". This word is used exclusively for God! Never does the Old Testament describe anything done by human beings as "salah"! This word is translated into English as "forgive" or as "pardon" or as "spare", but it is always applied to something that God does.

Humans can’t extend “salah”, only God can forgive the guilt of our sins.  When we hold on to a grudge and do not want to forgive a person, it does not have any effect on how God deals with that person.

God will serve justice and mercy independently of us.  He can discern a person’s heart much better than we can and He is the judge.  We can leave it up to Him to deal with an offender.  [Heb 10:30 NKJV] 30 For we know Him who said, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord. And again, "The LORD will judge His people."

The second Hebrew word sometimes translated as to forgive is "nasa". This word literally means: to lift up, to carry, to bear up. This verb is used for something both God and human beings can do.

Cain, who killed his brother Abel said: "my punishment is greater than I can bear ("nasa")" [Genesis 4:13]. It was a burden with which Cain did not feel he could cope.[V14]  So God said to him, "Therefore, whoever kills Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold." And the LORD set a mark on Cain, lest anyone finding him should kill him. [V15]

In this case it was God who extended “nasa” to Cain, in other words he lifted the burden from Cain, which he said he could not bear.

An example where a human being extended “nasa” i.e. lifted a burden was Joseph.

‘Thus you shall say to Joseph: “I beg you, please forgive ("nasa") the trespass of your brothers and their sin; for they did evil to you.” Now, please, forgive the trespass of the servants of the God of your father.” And Joseph wept when they spoke to him.’ [Genesis 50:17.]

This was a request for Joseph to lift a burden from his brothers, something they had carried around with them ever since they had sold Joseph into slavery. This burden also included the potential threat of retaliation for their actions.

Look how graciously Joseph lifted the burden off his brothers which they had carried as a consequence of selling him off into slavery.

[Gen 50:19-21 NKJV] 19 Joseph said to them, "Do not be afraid, for [am] I in the place of God? 20 "But as for you, you meant evil against me; [but] God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as [it is] this day, to save many people alive. 21 "Now therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones." And he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.

The third Hebrew word sometimes translated as to forgive is "kaphar". Its basic meaning is "to cover over". This word is also translated as: reconcile, appease, pardon, purge, and as "forgive". "Kaphar" describes an activity that both God and man can engage in.

The way we can extend this kind of forgiveness “kaphar” is by not bringing up the wrongdoing of another person anymore, to leave it in the past. We learn from the past, but move on.

So, these are the two ways in which we as fellow human beings can extend forgiveness, to lift a burden and to cover over.

Now, how do we deal with a situation where somebody has done us so much harm that we consider them our enemies?  Do we still forgive?  Here is how we are supposed to deal with our enemies:

 [Mat 5:43-48 NKJV] 43 "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' 44 "But I say to you, love your enemies…

Ok, how are we supposed to do that?  Have a warm and fuzzy feeling towards them?

There are three things we are supposed to do

1.     “bless those who curse you”

To bless is translated from the Greek word “eulogeo” from which we get our English word eulogy.  This means to say good things.

While they say bad things to us, we do not stoop down to their level but say good things to them. 

2.    “do good to those who hate you”

This means we do not cause harm to others, even if they are our enemies.  I know of siblings fighting over an inheritance so much that they both lost, because one was so bitter that she was bent on causing harm to the other person. That’s irrational behavior that hurts the self as much if not more than the other person, we consider to be an enemy.

And I have seen many times where a person was hurt, yet they still extended acts of kindness towards the person who hurt them.  Not seldom does such an act soften the heart of the perpetrator. This happened to me when somebody I had helped out a lot treated me very badly at one time and said the worst things to me.  Yet despite of that God helped me to extend an act of kindness towards that person, who then became very remorseful.

3.    “and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you”,

We can go through the motion of saying good things and doing good things, but we can still have the wrong hateful attitude.  God wants us to pray, to make sure that our attitude is right before Him.

And why are we supposed to do all this?

45 "that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 "For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 "And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more [than others]? Do not even the tax collectors do so? 48 "Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.

God wants our attitude towards a wicked person to be like His:

[Eze 33:11 NKJV] 11 "Say to them: '[As] I live,' says the Lord GOD, 'I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but that the wicked turn from his way and live. Turn, turn from your evil ways! For why should you die, O house of Israel?'

To summarize:  Whether we forgive or don’t forgive a person has nothing to do with their standing with God, whether He forgives them or not.  But it has everything to do with how it affects us in the here and now and also how our Creator will deal with us, when we come face to face with Him.

As I am writing this, it is the day of Passover, the day on which Jesus Christ went through tremendous pain and suffering to cover for my sins.  Was that fair?  Did He complain?

[1Pe 2:21-24 NKJV] 21 For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps: 22 "Who committed no sin, Nor was deceit found in His mouth"; 23 who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed [Himself] to Him who judges righteously; 24 who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness--by whose stripes you were healed.

To forgive does not mean we have to naively trust.  Trust is earned or regained which takes time and depends on the other person’s actions.

Once we have let go of our grudges and bitterness, we are free to move forward, a huge burden is lifted off our shoulder; we can have peace and also receive forgiveness from God.

Questions to ask yourself:

·         Are there any grudges that I hold on to?

 ·         Do I understand what it means to forgive?

 ·         Do I realize what holding on to grudges and bitterness does to me?

 ·         Am I willing to let go of all grudges in my life?

 ·         Have I any root of bitterness towards somebody or situation?

 ·         Do I understand what it means to “love your enemy”?

 ·         What excuses have I used to hold on to grudges?

 ·         What excuses have I used for my bitterness?

 ·         Do I have a victim mentality, or am I willing to take responsibility for my own life?

 ·         When there is a problem, do I always see the villain with the other person? 100%?

 ·         Can I be merciful to those who sin differently than I do?

 ·         What inspiring books and stories can I read about people who have been able to forgive tremendous injustices and injuries? 

 ·         Will I allow those to put things into perspective for me and help me to see the benefits that come from letting go of grudges and bitterness?

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