Letting Go of a Negative Self-Image

Growing up in a relatively large family, my 5 siblings and I did not receive a lot of praise from our parents.  Praising children was just not something they would do very often.  My mother did not have a lot of self-esteem herself. My father, being the only child had a very strict mother, never praising, but being so strict with him about his piano lessons that he never touched a piano again after she died, when he was only 14 years old.  The idea growing up was that “no complaint is enough praise”.  The rationale behind that was by not praising children much, it would keep them humble.

When I started to take English as my first foreign language, which was required in 5th grade, I struggled to get a passing grade.  The first English teacher I had was an old lady, who was also my mother’s English teacher.  Since my mother never did well in her English classes, the expectation from the teacher was, that I would not do well either.  There was little to no encouragement from my teacher that I could do better.   And my father said that he was not competent in foreign languages either.  So, I was stuck with this image that I was just not cut out for learning foreign languages. Thankfully, I got motivated at some point to learn English fluently, as I came to realize it would serve me well in any career down the road.  Initially, I struggled, because I had low expectations.  However, my grades started to improve when I realized if I put forth more effort, I could become competent. 

Once I decided to let go of the image that I was not good at learning a foreign language I mastered it!  All I had to do was reading magazines and books as much as I could, listening to the news on American Forces Network every day, and traveling to England during the summer.  By the time I finished high school I became one of the best students in my English class.  Not in my wildest dreams would I ever have thought to write a book.  And here I am writing a book in English.

Letting go of the idea that I could not do well in English was necessary for me to make progress.  If we do not believe that we can become good at something, doubting our God-given potential; we will not act!  Without effort or action, we will not get any results.  Our poor results reinforce our lack of confidence that we can get good at something.  Our lack of confidence reinforces the lack of motivation to put forth any effort, thinking “what’s the use anyway”.  And the cycle continues.

This applies to almost every area of our lives.  Whether it’s about learning a skill, or losing weight, or reaching a certain level of physical performance or a career level, or anything else, without massive action, we get poor results.

The reason why parents, teachers, coaches and other educators do not praise children enough is usually that they themselves never had good role models, who gave them any praise.  Another reason is that some have the mistaken belief that giving praise to children will make them proud and arrogant and not humble enough.  It has been my personal experience that praise helps to build confidence as well as a teachable and humble attitude.

While I believe humility to be a great virtue, I find it helpful to understand that humility and confidence are not mutually exclusive.  What provides clarity in my mind is making a distinction between confidence and pride.  I happen to agree that humility and pride cannot coexist, but confidence and humility can coexist.  I have covered this in a previous chapter about letting go of pride.  As I am writing this chapter, I am on my way back from a High-Performance-Experience Seminar with Brendon Burchard.  Meeting Brendon and so many of the attendants of his seminar confirmed to me that people with extremely high levels of competence and confidence can also be very humble at the same time.  They continue to increase their level of confidence and competence only because of their humility; they don’t think they have arrived and therefore they continue to learn and to be taught and coached.

We can get rid of our negative self-image, our lack of confidence and still be very humble people.  Reaching a very high level of confidence does not mean to give up a deep sense of humility. 

Consider people around you. Those who have confidence and humility at the same time are authentic, real people, people who do not get easily offended; they are usually a pleasure to be around.  We can become that kind of person, if we let go of all the false beliefs that make us hold on to a negative self-image, beliefs which rob us of the confidence we need, to fulfill our greatest God-given potential.

An excellent example of somebody who had a bad head-start in life and turned things around with prayer and a hopeful attitude is the story of Jabez in the Bible.

1Chronicles 4:9-10 “Now Jabez was more honorable than his brothers, and his mother called his name Jabez, saying, "Because I bore [him] in pain." (Talk about a bad head-start as far as self-image is concerned)  And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, "Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep [me] from evil, that I may not cause pain!"  So, God granted him what he requested.”

Letting go of our negative self-image is one of the most liberating feelings we can experience.  It helps us to unleash our full potential to live the life we are meant to live.

I heard Ethan Willis make a profound statement recently at a seminar: “God does not call the qualified, but he qualifies the called”.  With His help and strength, we will be able to become who He wants us to become and to accomplish what He calls us to do.

Questions to ask: 

·         What negative images about myself have I been carrying with me?

·         Have negative self-talk like “I can’t do that, I don’t have what it takes, that’s not my personality, I am too skinny, I am too fat” or any such thoughts kept me back from the things I wanted to accomplish?

·         What steps can I take to overcome the obstacles I have built in my own mind?

·         What are the 10 best character traits I possess?

·         Where do those traits show up?

·         Can I exercise those traits in areas where I have not exercised them?

·         I must examine the areas in my life where I feel like I have done well.  What made me do well in those areas?  Can I transfer those success markers to more situations in my life?

·         Am I giving myself and others the love (sometimes tough love), and encouragement I need to move in the right direction?

© On Eagles Wings, LLC