Letting Go of the Past.

Today we are who we are based what has happened in the past, whether of our own doing or the doing of other people. 

This is a tough one especially if it involves the loss of a loved one.  When there is a lot of pain involved, it is even harder to let go.  It is in those situations that we often feel that nobody understands us.

Understanding that our situation is not as unique as we think helps us to realize how others who have gone through tremendous trials and losses have dealt with them and have encouraged others.

When I was in Arizona to be trained and certified as a High Performance Coach by Brendon Burchard, I was blown away by the number of other coaches who have experienced indescribable hardships in their lives, yet they were filled with so much positive energy and determination to move forward in their lives.  It was truly humbling for me to see.

The Apostle Paul went through tremendous trials as we can read in his second letter to the church in Corinth.

[2Corithians 11:23-28 NKJV] 23 Are they ministers of Christ?--I speak as a fool--I [am] more: in labors more abundant, in stripes above measure, in prisons more frequently, in deaths often. 24 From the Jews five times I received forty [stripes] minus one. 25 Three times I was beaten with rods; once I was stoned; three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I have been in the deep; 26 [in] journeys often, [in] perils of waters, [in] perils of robbers, [in] perils of [my own] countrymen, [in] perils of the Gentiles, [in] perils in the city, [in] perils in the wilderness, [in] perils in the sea, [in] perils among false brethren; 27 in weariness and toil, in sleeplessness often, in hunger and thirst, in fastings often, in cold and nakedness-- 28 besides the other things, what comes upon me daily: my deep concern for all the churches.

It seems like he would understand.  After all he had experienced, he wrote in his letter to the Philippians:

[Philippians 4:6-8 NKJV] 6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things [are] noble, whatever things [are] just, whatever things [are] pure, whatever things [are] lovely, whatever things [are] of good report, if [there is] any virtue and if [there is] anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things.

The whole point in this book is letting go of things that do not serve us today and things that hold us back from moving forward.

I know of a man who within a few years first lost his only daughter in a car accident, then his wife to cancer.  Talk about a lot of pain.  He was left alone to raise his daughter’s son. The child was first raised by his mother, then his grandparents.  When his grandmother died, who had become his second mommy, the boy asked his grandfather: “Can I have another mommy?”  Heartbreaking isn’t it?  However, the man focused his concern on his grandson instead of his loss.  Within a year or so, he started dating a lady he had known for a long time and they got married.  I felt that he did the right thing, but somehow people think that if we have resilience and can get over a loss relatively quickly, that we are not caring, or honoring the dead or any other accusation along those lines. 

Everybody deals with grief differently and we need to be respectful of how others deal with it.  We neither need the approval of others for how we deal with our loss, nor is it our place to tell them how to deal with their loss. 

Having said that, if we can accept the loss of a loved one as the end of a season in our lives and the beginning of a new chapter, we can use that pain as an opportunity to grow.  I remember that when my father passed away, there was a shift in my mind.  Even though I had been financially on my own feet for many years, had my own wife and children, somehow in the back of my mind, there was always this sense that if I really got into trouble, he would help me out.  With my dad being gone, I was forced to think more about God being my father who would take care of me when I needed it.  When I had to deal with a job loss a few years later, it became very real. 

Another thing happened when my father died.  He had terminal cancer and it was apparent during the last trip to Germany with my family, that it was going to be the last time I would see him.  A few weeks later I returned for the funeral at which I heard some eulogies.  I had not realized the impact my father had on people with the volunteer work he did and told my sister, that I felt I did not have enough life left to make as much a difference as he had made.  This prompted me to ask God to show me ways in which I could make a difference.  And the doors of opportunity were opened; one of which is writing this book.

A few weeks ago, on our wedding anniversary my wife and I watched some videos of our kids when they were younger, on the beach, in the pool, in the yard.   Watching those childhood videos can create mixed emotions.  On the one hand we were filled with gratitude and felt blessed that we were able to raise our children in a safe, clean and peaceful and healthy environment.  On the other hand, I could not help but miss those times and felt a bit nostalgic and even sad that those days are in the past.

When we think about the good things in the past in healthy ways, we will focus on being grateful for what we had and allow ourselves to be filled with joy.

When we hang on to the past in unhealthy ways, we get very nostalgic when we think about the good and the pleasant experiences, often sad when either the people, or the things or the circumstances are no longer there.  We have a choice on what we focus on.

 Questions to ask yourself:

 ·         How much time do I spend thinking about the past?

 ·         What do I think about when I am reminded of positive things that happened in the past?  Does it fill me with gratitude and joy, or do I mourn the fact that those days are gone?

 ·         When I am reminded of the painful and negative experiences of the past, where does my mind go?  Have I identified memories of the past, that make me sad, bitter, resentful, regretful?

 ·         What lessons could I learn from those painful experiences?

 ·         How can I think about the past in ways that would not make me bitter?

 ·         Can I start to accept that the past cannot be altered, no matter how much I dwell on it?

 ·         How does dwelling on the past keep me from being fully in the present.  In other words, striving to be the best I can be in the here and now, regardless of what has happened in the past?  What lessons from the past can I use to help me be the best I can be in the present?

 ·         Can I let go of the notion that building new relationships, when a loved one dies is not a dishonor to the deceased.  It means I am resilient and moving forward.  One word of caution:  When our spouse dies and there are children involved, any new relationship should be approached with the needs and the feelings of the children.

 © On Eagles Wings, LLC