Letting go of (Ego-) Pride

When I grew up modesty and humility were taught as virtues and pride was frowned upon.  Especially national pride was squelched in post war Germany.  So, when I came to America first as an exchange student and later as a permanent resident, it struck me as strange to see pride often treated as a virtue.  I was wondering, where does that come from?  I was especially surprised to hear expressions of pride in Christian circles, because every time you see the word pride in the Bible, it is viewed in a negative light. 

A bit of research revealed that the only application of the word pride in the Bible is about ego-pride, arrogance, haughtiness in other words the negative synonyms of pride.

However, when I looked at various dictionaries, I realized, that the English word pride has a lot of synonyms which are positive, such as honor, respect, confidence and dignity.

So why let go of pride?  What is the problem?

Pride often robs us of our objectivity.  Here is an example:

A few years ago, when I worked as a program manager for a global automotive supplier, I had some visitors from our sister company in China.  During the day, we had meetings which started with a presentation in which they talked about their country’s history.  They brought up World War II and the war crimes committed by the Japanese during the Rape of Nanjing in which up to 200,000 Chinese were killed.  And they said that they were thankful to the United States that they liberated China from the Japanese invasion. 

Later that day, I had dinner with the colleagues and some interesting discussions.  The subject turned to national pride and I told them, the problem I saw with it, based on what I was taught growing up after World War II in Germany.  It was the extreme sense of national pride that lead to much of the evil that took place under the Nazi Regime. I told them that we constantly need to be on guard against it.  We talked about their presentation in the morning, when they mentioned what other people -the Japanese- had done to them. But I asked them what about the millions of people that were killed by their own people during Mao’s Cultural Revolution that followed World War II?  The problem with national pride is that it robs us of our objectivity.  We remember very well the atrocities that other people have committed against our people, but we are quick to overlook how badly our own people have treated us or others for that matter.

Pride seems to always be concerned about how we are being viewed by other people.  We want to impress other people thereby compromising our principles of honesty and truth. 

How about “good” pride?  While ego pride and arrogance in my heart and mind is an attitude I always want to be on guard against, the problem I see with saying that there is good pride and bad pride is that it does not provide for real clarity of mind.  At least it does not for me.

We use language to express our thoughts.  When the words we use are not clear, our thinking can be a bit foggy as well.

What has helped me to have more clarity about pride and letting go of (ego-) pride is to address not only pride, but also humility and confidence to put things into the proper perspective.

Understanding Pride

In the dictionary, pride has a broad range of meanings, some of which are not negative.

Negative synonyms of pride:  egotism, arrogance, self-glorification, cockiness, disdainfulness, pretentiousness, smugness, snobbery, loftiness, haughtiness, conceit, condescension, (pretty much the way the word is used in the Bible).

Positive synonyms of pride: delight, dignity, happiness, honor, joy, contentment, pleasure, self-respect, satisfaction.

This can be confusing. For example:  When a parent says, I am proud of my child, what does the parent mean? It’s not easy to tell. It depends. I think most well-meaning people use this as an all-encompassing description of their feelings of gratitude, happiness, joy and love for their children. 

Here is the challenge:  In this all-encompassing expression, we can easily hide a spirit of competition comparing ourselves among ourselves or a spirit of self-righteousness such as:  “My kid performs so much better than the other kid.” or “ My kid is not as bad as so many other kids.”

I find that a good way to examine our thoughts in this respect is this:  Would it be as easy to say to another kid, who just beat our kid in a competition “I am proud of you”?  If not, we know we have ego-pride.

To have clarity in my own mind and to also express clearly to others what I mean, it helps me not to use the word pride, when I really mean something positive.  Our Heavenly Father gives us a good example when He said about Jesus Christ: “This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.” [Matthew 3:18]. The apostle John said: “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.” [3 John 1:4]

So, when I have those positive feelings of gratitude, joy, happiness I prefer to use those words instead of the word pride.  It provides clarity of thought in my own mind and it also does not leave other people thinking: “What does he mean by that?”

Also, it helps the child to understand it correctly.  It will not make the child think: “My parents are proud of me, so it is ok to be proud.”  Even if what you mean is clear in your own mind, it may not be clear in the mind of the child.

Understanding Humility

This word also seems to be much clearer in the way it is used in the Bible, than the way it is used in the English language.

The meaning of the word humility used in the Bible is the opposite of the word pride as pride is used in the Bible.  It is clear what the word humility means, when it is used in the Bible: 

·         Unconditional obedience and submission to God (as Noah, Abraham, Job, Daniel and his friends and others did, when pressured to disobey God)

·         Being teachable by God, as Solomon was in the beginning.  Even when we are good at something there is always room to grow and learn.

·         Admitting our own sins and shortcomings (as King David did, when he was confronted by the prophet Nathan)

·         Not blaming others for our disobedience (as King Saul did, when he blamed the people, when He did not fully obey God’s instructions)

·         Admitting and confessing our complete dependence on God, when we fast for example.

Even though the Bible appears to be pretty clear about the meaning of humility, the English dictionary provides many synonyms, which I believe to be characteristics of a fake humility:  self-hate, self-disgust, self-loathing, bashfulness, shyness, timidity, passiveness, unassertiveness, docility, non-resistance, resignation, inferiority complex, being reserved, being poor etc.

So, if we are striving to be humble, where do our thoughts go to?  Are we focusing on Biblical examples of true humility or are we thinking we are humble because we have bought into the fake humility as defined by some of the synonyms in the English dictionary?

Understanding Confidence:

As opposed to (ego-) pride, confidence is a good character trait. 

I find that lack of confidence (low self-esteem) can create a lot of problems.  You have seen this in people.  Having little confidence creates a void they often fill with pride, which shows when people get easily offended, while at the same time they can be very critical and condescending of other people. 

As a kid I struggled with confidence.  I was held back a year in elementary school, because I had meningitis in 3rd grade.  Also, I was not athletic, usually the last kid to be chosen, when teams were selected for ball games.  And I struggled to get a passing mark in English as a foreign language class in 5th Grade.  I started to develop more confidence as a teenager, when I joined the boy-scouts. So, I have felt the importance of understanding this matter in my own life.

When we look at the great men in the Bible and many other great men in history, we see that they have one thing in common:  They had great confidence (not pride) and humility at the same time. 

·         Moses had great humility towards God yet was a bold leader of the children of Israel.

·         David expressed great humility towards God, while showing great confidence and boldness when faced with Goliath.

·         The Apostle Paul showed great humility towards God, when he accepted the trials he went through, yet he showed great confidence and boldness, when he faced the Romans and addressed issues in the churches he worked with.

When we understand the difference between pride and confidence, we do not have to be afraid of being confident.  We can have strong confidence and humility at the same time.  Actually - confidence can only grow with humility.  If you are humble, you are teachable and will continue to learn and grow, which in turn increases your confidence.  If you are proud on the other hand and lack the humility to grow and learn, your confidence decreases and you become defensive, when you are being challenged.

So, what can we do if we struggle with confidence?

·         Get our minds off ourselves.  The universe does not revolve around us.

·         We need to forget about what other people may think of us.  Usually they do not think nearly as much about us as we think anyway.

·         Meditate on God.

What He has done for you.  He gave His son for you.

Jeremia 9:23-24:  Thus says the LORD: "Let not the wise [man] glory in his wisdom, Let not the mighty [man] glory in his might, Nor let the rich [man] glory in his riches; 24 But let him who glories glory in this, That he understands and knows Me, That I [am] the LORD, exercising lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness in the earth. For in these I delight," says the LORD.

Realize that our identity is being a child of God, a child which is not perfect, but strives to please God, strives to bring Him joy by making the greatest possible contributions to glorify Him.

Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

·         Helping others to develop confidence helps us to develop more confidence.

Praise others, especially children. Combined with setting high expectations and boundaries. Not fake praise (flattery) which results in low standards and mediocrity.  Praise helps people fulfil their potential, when we recognize their gifts. If we do not praise our children, they will fall for the first predator who does.

I grew up in a culture, in which it was said that “no complaint is enough praise”.  This is based on the completely unfounded fear that praise leads to pride and arrogance, when I find that just the opposite is true.

My wife and I talked about this and turned this phrase inside out. We find that

“No praise is a silent complaint”.

·         Becoming more confident in social settings will grow when we focus on the people we talk to, rather than ourselves.  Ask what they have to say.  Do not worry about “performing”, thinking about all the things you could say that make you look smart. Just find out what you could learn from somebody else and they will love you! Do not take it personally, when they do not agree with you. Just make sure you are aligned with God.  Aligning themselves with God is everybody’s own responsibility not ours.

There is a lot more that can be said about building confidence such as developing skills and facing our fears. 

Now back to dealing with our pride.  What helps me to be clear in my mind is replacing pride with confidence.  When I think of confidence, I think of knowing what is right, knowing my Creator and striving to live in harmony with His principles and values and striving to please Him.  This way I am free of what other people think, I am free to be my best self, I can be happy, satisfied and content.

As I mentioned in the beginning of this chapter, I believe most cultures would consider humility to be a virtue.  It keeps us open to learn and to grow and to become the best we can be and make the greatest contribution while we are here on this earth.

While pride and humility cannot coexist in the biblical sense of the words; confidence and humility can. So, when we strive to guard our minds against thoughts and attitudes which do not serve us, it helps to ask ourselves:

Why do I feel good about something?  Why am I uplifted?

If I feel good because I have thought and acted in harmony with my highest ideals and principles, it is confidence.  Still open to do better the next time, still open to personal growth.

If I feel good because I beat somebody, or won against somebody, or impressed them, or made them jealous, it is pride.   It creates an arrogant sense of superiority, so why get better, when I am already the best?  Growth and authenticity are stunted.  An “us-vs-them” mindset develops.  Group think reigns.  It’s like a magnifying glass for all the “great” things we have accomplished, and all the “bad” things other people have done, while diminishing our own flaws and the good qualities of others.  Pride makes us judge ourselves by our best intentions and others by their worst actions.

Our thoughts are expressed by the words we use.  To have clarity in our minds, it helps us to use words that are clear and unambiguous.

So, the next time you feel proud, consider letting it go and embrace confidence and humility.  This will help you become more objective, authentic, less easily offended and free to be your best self with anybody you meet.

Questions to ask yourself: 

·         Where has my ego stood in the way of my personal growth?

·         What blind spots do I have about myself because of my pride?

·         How has my pride been in the way of developing deeper and trusting relationships?

·         Do I think that I am humble because I am shy, poor, lack confidence, lack skill, lack resources? 

·         Or am I humble because I reflect on myself, see my shortcomings, no matter how successful I may be? 

·         Am I teachable and willing to learn even from those I may not look up to?

·         Do I lack confidence because I compare myself with others?  Pride may be the issue.

 ·         What steps could I take to develop confidence with humility?

o   Self-Confidence: Do I realize how much my Creator loves me and values me?

o   Social Confidence:  Am I developing social skills, taking my mind off myself and focus on others?  Do I courageously face my fears and approach people?

o   Confidence in our competence:  Do I continue to expand my skills and abilities to contribute more or am I standing still when it comes to my skill development?

© On Eagles Wings, LLC