Letting Go of Personal Relationships

There is nothing more important in our lives than our relationships.  Proactively seeking relationships that allow us to contribute, to grow, that add purpose and meaning makes all the difference in our lives. 

As with habits, for good ones to develop in our lives, non-productive or destructive ones need to be let go.

Good meaningful relationships need to be pursued with intention and they often require work to be fruitful and beneficial, i.e. serve a purpose.

But sometimes we have relationships, which neither have a positive effect on our lives nor do they really make a lasting difference in the other person’s life.

Many years ago, an elder of a church my family and I attended asked me to reach out to a man who had left a message on the answering machine of the church’s phone.  The older man had a German accent, and since I was born and raised in Germany, the elder thought it might be good for me to contact the man.  I called him up and we had a very interesting conversation.  The man had a fascinating background and it seemed like we had a lot of common values and beliefs.  As a result of our conversation I invited him and his wife to our church and we had them over to our house for dinner several times. 

Initially I wanted to get to know the man.  He was 30 years my senior and seemed to have a lot of interesting thoughts, ideas and at first glance some wisdom.  But then in much of the discussions he became very critical of everybody else who was successful in life, while he himself had not accomplished much.  I challenged him with some questions to which he was not receptive and became disagreeable.  So, the relationship really did not seem to serve either one of us. 

Also, we came to realize that he had major issues.  He had 5 children, sadly one committed suicide and his other adult children wanted nothing to do with him.  We got to know him for who he really was, a know-it-all and abusive to his wife and family. 

For the sake of his poor wife, my wife stayed in touch with her until she passed away.  He tried to put a guilt trip on me for cutting off my relationship with him, but I felt I needed to put my energy into relationships that were positive and beneficial.

Even though he was abusive, his wife never had the courage to leave him and live with her children as they had suggested to her.  Their situation was one of those rare situations where I felt she would have been completely justified to leave him.  He used religion and her upbringing in which divorce was never an option to shame her into staying with him. She finally left him on her own accord, when she died.

In setting boundaries in our relationship with others, we may come to a point where letting go is the best option.

That takes courage, but it’s worth facing that option as it can liberate us for positive development and growth producing relationships.

The following are examples of relationships, we should consider to let go in light of Proverbs 12:26 : “The righteous should choose his friends carefully, For the way of the wicked leads them astray.”

·         Abusive relationships.

We must never tolerate abuse.  We need to seek relationships that build us up and help us grow rather than those which pull us down.

·         Relationships, which distract us from our purpose.

Each of us is called to fulfill a purpose.  We need to find out what that purpose is, it may be multifaceted.  Not fulfilling that purpose for which we are designed is a waste of time.  If people hold us back from fulfilling our purpose, we need to let go of those relationships.  At least limit the amount of time we spend with them and their influence on us.

·         Relationships which take us away from our relationship with God.

Our relationship with our creator is the most important relationship we can have.  A big part of who I am is a result of my relationship with Him.  This is a relationship for all eternity.  I depend on Him completely with everything.  If anybody cannot respect that and tries to discourage me from faithfully following our Heavenly Father to the best of my understanding, their role in my life will be greatly reduced.  We must never give in to people who pressure us to violate our conscience.  I was in a situation like that of all places in a church. What came to mind was the question:  When I will face my Creator and he asks me why I have acted against my conscience; I could only say “I followed them”.  To which he would reply: “Why did you not follow me?”.  At that moment it became crystal clear that I had to distance myself from people who tried to control and manipulate me in a way that would have put a wedge between God and me.

We may also need to let go of relationships with people, who may not put pressure on us, but ridicule and make fun of what is right and what is precious to our Heavenly Father and to us.  We do not need to hang around people who show that kind of disrespect, not because of our ego, but to protect that our precious relationship with God.

 ·         Dating without sharing our highest values.

I remember a long drive through the Namib Desert, in Namibia, South West Africa in 1980, when I was 21 years old.  I was all by myself in my 10-year-old VW Beetle and all day I encountered only 3 other cars.  There was no radio reception. It was me alone in God’s creation.  Plenty of time to think, plenty of time to reflect and it felt great.  After the day long drive, I went to a Hotel in Windhoek.  Before going to bed I went to the bar to have a beer.  There were other people I talked with; but I felt lonely.  I had not much in common with them.  I learned then that I would much rather be alone than with people who had no respect for my values, including my faith.  Marriage is the most intimate relationship aside from our relationship with God.  I know I would feel very lonely if I were married to somebody who does not share what is most precious to me.  I was single for a long time but have been very happily married now for over two decades, enjoying a deep bond based on our shared faith and values.

My Aunt Ursula was engaged once, broke it off and remained single for the rest of her life.  So many men were killed in action during World War 2 in Germany, so a lot of women of her generation stayed single.  But she was never alone.  She was a great example to me when I was still single into my late 30s.  When she passed away, so many people came to the funeral, that the police had to direct traffic, which is something I had never seen in Germany before, unless it involved a celebrity.  She was always visited by people, including young people when she was in a nursing home.  Throughout her life, she spent time and maintained good relationships with nephews, nieces, friends and other family members.  She continuously grew her circle of friends. 

My Aunt’s example reinforced in me the belief which Friedrich Bonhoefer, a minister who died in a concentration camp during World War 2 expressed:  You can have a fulfilled life without all our dreams being fulfilled.

When it comes to compromise in who we marry, it has been my motto:  Better to have a dream that is never fulfilled than a nightmare that becomes reality.

·         Letting go of negative peer pressure. 

Human nature is to adjust our standards to the expectations of our closest peers. Our peers either lift us up or tear us down.  We need to recognize if the influence of peers is negative and stop it.  Beware of “group think”.  “Take one for the team” is often used as an excuse for compromising with one’s own convictions.  It is often used to squelch independent minded and critical thinkers among us.

Letting go of bad relationships opens us up for more meaningful and purposeful relationships.

Questions to ask yourself:

·         Are there relationships in my life which are abusive?  It is time to get out of those immediately.

·         Do I have relationships with people who are always complaining, always negative and just a drain on my time, my mental, emotional and spiritual energy?  What keeps me in those relationships?

·         Do I have relationships which neither serve me nor the other person, but take time away from me that I could spend with people who help me grow?

·         Have I been dating somebody for a long time without making a commitment?  Is there something that holds me back or holds them back from making a commitment?  It may be time to make a tough decision.

·         Am I more scared about being lonely than to be tied to the wrong person?  Can I think of ways to grow old as a single person without being lonely?

·         Am I allowing people to pressure me into relationships I do not really want or care for?  Who will have to live with the relationship, I or those other people?

·         Are there relationships in my life, where no amount of good will and effort on my part is making those relationships productive or meaningful? 

·         While I cannot choose my relatives,  do I have the courage to decide how much time I spend with them?

© On Eagles Wings, LLC