Letting Go of Trappings

We all have a certain image of ourselves in mind.  There is the person we think we are, then there is the person we would like to be and then there is the person we want others to think we are.

Depending on how confident we feel, we express ourselves the way we are.  We wear the clothes we like; we drive the car we like; we decorate our homes the way we like it etc.  At least we like to think that’s what we do. Or do we care about the latest fads or what image we are portraying to others?

If we lack confidence, we may be led by other people’s opinions on what is cool, what the latest fads are, and what advertisements suggest we buy.  But even if we think of ourselves as confident, we often still adopt a certain style based on an image we like to identify ourselves with.  We may deceive ourselves that maintaining a certain style makes a difference in how we live our lives.  I know, I have been there.  Buying that SUV after getting married made me feel like that old boy scout in me came back to life.

When we think about it though, we realize that driving a Jeep does not make us a rugged outdoor person; and driving a Volvo Station Wagon does not make us a college professor.  Having worked in the automotive industry most of my life, I always think of cars as an example. 

When I grew up in Germany, I took driving lessons when the first generation of the Volkswagen Golf came out, replacing the legendary VW Beetle as the entry level vehicle many Germans were driving after World War II.  The Golf Hatchback was considered a cool vehicle for young people.  Older, retired people would drive the sedan version, the VW Jetta.  You would hardly see any young person driving a Jetta.  So, when I came to the US as an exchange student, I was surprised to see that the Jetta was considered a cool car for college kids.  How funny; it was all in the eyes of the beholder.

Personally, I always liked station wagons, even when I was single.  Friends told me that those were not cool, that I couldn’t impress the girls with them, and that I would remain single for the rest of my life. Why did I like a station wagon?  It was practical.  I had all the space I needed, even when I took a skiing trip with my friends, and I gave other people rides, who needed transportation.  I wanted to serve, and it was a perfect fit for me.

Turns out that when I met the girl that became my wife, she told me that she always wanted a guy with a station wagon and not a sportscar.  Now I thought that was cool.  Had I driven a sports car to portray an image of somebody I was not, I would not have attracted the right person, who wanted me, for who I was.  I would have attracted the wrong person, who was interested in the false image I was trying to project.  I would have had to keep up maintaining that false image, that would be stressful and a disaster! 

What has made our relationship so special is that from the very beginning my wife and I felt completely at ease with each other.  We could simply be who we are, total authenticity, no pretense.  It was the real deal…genuine.

If we are not liked and loved in a relationship for who we really are, we will never be happy.  While I believe we all ought to grow and mature as a person, we need not put on a façade trying to be somebody, we are not.

Sometimes we can feel trapped by our ego or the false expectations of others to maintain an image by material trappings. We can liberate ourselves by focusing on who our best selves really want to be, and what truly matters in life.

I remember a very sad example of a fancy wedding that I attended. It had all the elaborate trappings, great food, great entertainment, everybody was very well dressed.  There was dancing well into the night.  A lot of money was spent on this wedding.  The focus was on the wedding celebration and party instead of life after the wedding. Sadly, six months later, the couple got divorced. 

Even a nice tradition like having a family get-together at Thanksgiving can cause a lot of stress if our focus is on the trappings i.e. the perfect turkey, baked, grilled or smoked exactly as we think it should be, side dishes, the perfectly color coordinated decorations, the fancy dishes and silverware, the matching napkins with a turkey printed on them, and of course the pie which is made just exactly like grandma made it, nothing else will do.  Often most of our efforts and our preparation are focused on that. All the focus on preparing the trappings can take our minds away from thinking about how we show up as our best selves, doing our best to connect with family and friends. Bringing joy, gratitude, and an uplifting positive energy to the gathering will be remembered and cherished not only in the moment, but long after we have forgotten how the food tasted and how the decorations looked like.

Remember that trappings entrap us!  All that stuff is just props, not the real deal!

Questions to ask yourself:

·         How much attention do I pay to the trappings in my life?

·         What are the trappings in my life, which I need to let go because they are simply not worth my time, energy, money, space or any other resource?

·         What trappings do not reflect who I am?  Do I have trappings which add to a false image?

·         Do my trappings hide my true self?

·         Do some of my trappings create pretense or a façade in my life?

·         Do I focus more on image than relationships?

 
© On Eagles Wings, LLC